When you go to a job interview of a job you already have had with nothing to gain you don't feel:nervous, joy, excitement, challenge. What you do feel is a slight despair in settling for the easiest option, an acceptance of not challenging yourself. I am lazy now. The food stamp office broke me for today. There is too much sadness there. Too many woman finding the only pride that have ever felt by justifying their young babies in this terrible world. Woman actually verbally fighting over who is a better mother with out creating a support network to help one another out. The scene was tragic and I am an impostor.
I will never have children and I will never see this world as a good place to continue the parasitic nature of the human existence. Gobble, gobble, gobble the poor with the bad food and the bad work environment don't let them sit down for a second. Lets breath the bad air and never expand mass transit--there could be less smog that way.
I am negative today and now I must go a fake the excitement of selling to people. Justify your over payed jobs by spending the money on crap you don't need or want. But you like the adventure of being humored and sold anything to block out the despair of having nothing to build.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Success?
Not sure what my last post was in regards to, but today I talk about the present. In one week I leave back for Saint Louis after a stint in WI. I have been working with theater now for the last two years and overall it has been great. I get respect that has never existed in jobs I have held in the past. I am finally viewed as the creative person. I feel good about it but everything is fleeting...
I have managed to be employed for 51/2 months of the year with almost nothing in between jobs. I still ride the poverty line and find pride in working hard while making little to no money for the larger part of the year. While being very satisfied with my current endeavors I am curious about the future. Will I ever have health insurance? Do I really have to clock 45 hour per week in order to have a living wage?
Also, I am 31 years old and unsure about societal expectations but I feel like I might be successful? My old room mate Brian and I would have this discussion about success as he was always concerned that it was regarding finance. He used it as a way to dis-like women that held old American ideas close to heart. (You know the hope of a kept woman). Marring for riches and vacation and stability and to have a man that your children can call dad. I am not opposed to a parent being valued as a caregiver for those are skills I do not have.
So we now have a still poor, unwed, childless female fighting the forces of the world with a slight hope that maybe I will never be ill. SUCCESS I feel it. I know that it is not clearly visible to the outside eye but maybe it has never needed to be visible. Success is a feeling in a moment of hard to find contentment a fleeting cherished moment.
I have managed to be employed for 51/2 months of the year with almost nothing in between jobs. I still ride the poverty line and find pride in working hard while making little to no money for the larger part of the year. While being very satisfied with my current endeavors I am curious about the future. Will I ever have health insurance? Do I really have to clock 45 hour per week in order to have a living wage?
Also, I am 31 years old and unsure about societal expectations but I feel like I might be successful? My old room mate Brian and I would have this discussion about success as he was always concerned that it was regarding finance. He used it as a way to dis-like women that held old American ideas close to heart. (You know the hope of a kept woman). Marring for riches and vacation and stability and to have a man that your children can call dad. I am not opposed to a parent being valued as a caregiver for those are skills I do not have.
So we now have a still poor, unwed, childless female fighting the forces of the world with a slight hope that maybe I will never be ill. SUCCESS I feel it. I know that it is not clearly visible to the outside eye but maybe it has never needed to be visible. Success is a feeling in a moment of hard to find contentment a fleeting cherished moment.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Why O' Why
Well I cleaned up some poop today. yes--human
I live cheap at the cost of human poop.
I was throwing away hours of work into the dumpster as the sewage smell really got me in the nose. I think it was the saturated old note books from college that left the dumpster so eager to give back. I am quite glad to be rid of the stuff really.
I can see my landlord's argument after all it may have partially been my own fecal matter that contributed to the issue in the first place. I have had a terrible diet of juice and booze for the past week. I also ate some rice and eggs occasionally.
I may not have filled a space for potential poop if there had been past indicators of the poop parade.
I live cheap at the cost of human poop.
I was throwing away hours of work into the dumpster as the sewage smell really got me in the nose. I think it was the saturated old note books from college that left the dumpster so eager to give back. I am quite glad to be rid of the stuff really.
I can see my landlord's argument after all it may have partially been my own fecal matter that contributed to the issue in the first place. I have had a terrible diet of juice and booze for the past week. I also ate some rice and eggs occasionally.
I may not have filled a space for potential poop if there had been past indicators of the poop parade.
Out of the Red and into the Gray
Jack in the Box had worn me out and I was starting to need a little respect as a human being. I found it hard not to feel like a slave in the drive through window. I felt sad about my co-workers and their lack of idealism. I really wanted a version of America that I don't think will ever exist. I just want it to be okay to work at a job and get respect regardless of your occupation.--no judging-no classism. I love having a strong work ethic and staying busy. Unfortunately, as a creator it is difficult to get paid for all the work we do. Beauty is under priced.
Well, back to the old me full of grand ideas and wanting to conquer the world. I thought the only real way to get respect as a teenager is through a retail job. Note: I had been to a mall like 3 times in my life before high school. I was sure that the mall was where I could make more money per hour and maybe be treated a little nicer from the clientele. The biggest highlight would be to not smell like old french fries every night.
I can not remember how JCPenny ended up hiring me but I was very excited. They had a dress code and I had to dress nice which was difficult seeing how I had only hand-me-downs and thrift store finds. Also, there were less hours available and the pay was only the a dime higher than my last career. Even if I wanted to buy new clothing it was not really financially feasible. I was also taking a risk with the job because I was hired on for extra holiday help.
I envisioned a retail world where I would get to help people in fitting-rooms and learn to fold fancy and gain some organization skills for clothing placement. This was not my job. I was a catalogue slave for the people that hate shopping in populated mall department stores but really need their mall junk. There was a separate entrance in the back of the store so that the folks picking up packages could have a some what private experience.
In my short experience I found catalogue people to be mean and some what unforgiving to a young under trained me. I was on my feet in "nice" shoes for 8 hours at a time and had to climb these crazy rafters to find packages that seemed to be in no order at all. My co-workers where all in their mid to late 60's and should not have been climbing ladders and scaffolding. I became their runner in my terrible shoes and felt old beside them. If I could have gotten gray hair at seventeen I would have gained an entire patch of grayness in those few months.
Well, back to the old me full of grand ideas and wanting to conquer the world. I thought the only real way to get respect as a teenager is through a retail job. Note: I had been to a mall like 3 times in my life before high school. I was sure that the mall was where I could make more money per hour and maybe be treated a little nicer from the clientele. The biggest highlight would be to not smell like old french fries every night.
I can not remember how JCPenny ended up hiring me but I was very excited. They had a dress code and I had to dress nice which was difficult seeing how I had only hand-me-downs and thrift store finds. Also, there were less hours available and the pay was only the a dime higher than my last career. Even if I wanted to buy new clothing it was not really financially feasible. I was also taking a risk with the job because I was hired on for extra holiday help.
I envisioned a retail world where I would get to help people in fitting-rooms and learn to fold fancy and gain some organization skills for clothing placement. This was not my job. I was a catalogue slave for the people that hate shopping in populated mall department stores but really need their mall junk. There was a separate entrance in the back of the store so that the folks picking up packages could have a some what private experience.
In my short experience I found catalogue people to be mean and some what unforgiving to a young under trained me. I was on my feet in "nice" shoes for 8 hours at a time and had to climb these crazy rafters to find packages that seemed to be in no order at all. My co-workers where all in their mid to late 60's and should not have been climbing ladders and scaffolding. I became their runner in my terrible shoes and felt old beside them. If I could have gotten gray hair at seventeen I would have gained an entire patch of grayness in those few months.
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